over and under - 憂鬱症

My nervous system has to be fine tuned very carefully. A bit too much of adrenaline sends me into the high heavens and I can’t get sleep. The sudden cold front the marches down the town and then I go front bright-eyed to a dull doll who slumps and sleeps forever and ever.

It’s over 12am. This is one of those hyper days where I can’t rest.
On those days I’m an overachiever, wanting to learn all the theories and write all the thoughts that comes from reading a good essay. Those are the days when I question my life choices, to be stuck in a dead end job while I really want to produce some substantial words or insights via a job.

However, on those zombie days I’m just happy that my supervisor allows me to call in sick on average 3 days a month, and work is usually routine enough that I don’t need to use my non-exeistent brainpower.

So when the therapist ask me an all encompassing question, “What is happiness to you?”
I really can’t give a nuanced answer. One day I’ll tell you I want to publish something important, another day I will say to let me sleep to my heart’s content without having to worry about bills.

I wonder how to find a therapist that fits me too. It’s not easy, when in Taiwan I can get recommendations, but with the States I’m at a loss. How do I even start? Insurance coverage? Therapists who are people of color? Someone who is familiar with Asian culture? Someone specializing in family trauma? Or a certain type of therapy technique?

Doing these are costing me money and sick leave days, and more work than my actual work that pays me. And it doesn’t guarantee anything. For all I know, most of the time it’s a dud.
As a sentiment that I have expressed again and again, finding a therapist that works is harder than finding someone to date.
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Sent from JPTT on my iPad

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