Sun downing - 憂鬱症

A man had told me before that his grandpa's condition (memory loss) would get worse and that was called 'sundowning.'

My condition always gets worse when I wake up in the morning. I have my 'sun downing' too.

Every time I wake up to this world, I feel I have come back from limbo. I feel lifeless and do not want to go to work. I need to drag my feet to the office while I feel suicidal every single fucking morning.

Today it got worse. I bought two eggs and when eating them I was thinking if my mood was getting better if I had some food. Then during lunch time I got a cup of green tea. I was thinking what my happy food was and then thought of green tea (although someone told me green tea was not food.)

I was thinking if I would feel better if I had my 'happy food.' Ah in the end I had a full bladder. I did feel better afterwards but I was not sure if it was due to work or the tea.

My colleagues thanked me for giving them the teaching slides of how to retrieve papers when sci-hub was not working. I felt being appreciated and felt good about it.

On the way back home, I was thinking this fucking ungrateful world just did not appreciate our efforts of living.

Every clinically depressed person said they need to spend lots of efforts to just simply live. I am one of them. I just feel it is so tiring to live.

I dare not write all these words on my facebook so I am here. Just venting off a bit.

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▲ ×Girafe aime rêver×

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