睡眠記錄no.9 - 憂鬱症

睡眠記錄no.9
晚上十點已經到該睡覺的時間
朋友傳訊 說他跟另一個朋友聊天說我們聊到你
我回他說了什麼？（內心知道他們應該是關心）
朋友回就是我想的那樣
朋友問你還好嗎
我知道她一定會問這個
我很如實陳述自己狀態
不好的講，好的也講，清楚的說明自己
不再裝沒事，不再掩飾自己自卑的那面
沒有焦慮，像似稀鬆平常說出我就是有病
結尾我說我覺得自己在慢慢好轉
然後我準備好上床睡覺
在床上翻滾，想到有的沒的又開始睡不著
到晚上十二點 我忍不住點開手機
我的直覺總是特別強 朋友正打字回覆我
朋友說 那很好
接下來有什麼計劃？
Oh my gosh
要不是我是現在的狀態
絕對焦慮感爆棚
Blabla我講了一堆關於自己想法
我也不在乎別人怎麼看待
我說不想面對父母需要時間勇氣
朋友說了解
在經過我大長篇文字洗禮
以前的我會覺得就這樣？
是不是我的問題開始焦慮
現在I don’t given fuck
是你要問的 而我很誠實的說
我不再被害妄想，朋友說了解是真的了解
以她的個性她會這麼說的人
我也感受到她真誠的關心

結果我十二點多入睡到三點多醒來
躺床聽podcast 周慕姿的靈魂腳本
某幾集分析作家們因童年時期遭遇
而為什麼成為現在的樣子
夏目漱石 最知名的日本國民作家
《我是貓》的作者，竟是家暴犯
來自童年創傷或過渡溺愛
導致他對親密關係連結沒有信任
得不到，他就毀滅，變得充滿攻擊性

周心理師也分析了我最愛的太宰治
「身而為人，我很抱歉」
無賴派的始祖，我爛我驕傲，擺爛且厭世人生態度
非常扭曲的價值觀，與人沒界限的親密連結
浪子主義，現在說法就是渣男
來自童年被性侵被虐待，又在父親身上看到冷漠被強迫人格扭曲
成為他們想要太宰治成為他們想要的人
於是太宰戴上面具，他的內心價值被挫敗加上身體的傷害
變成如此的太宰治
我想送他這首歌 killing in the name 殺害的名義
Rage Against the machine 討伐體制樂團

Killing in the name of

Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses

Ugh!
Killing in the name of

Now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
But now you do what they told ya

Those that died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify those that died, by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Those that died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify those that died, by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites

Some of those that hold office, are the same that burn crosses
Some of those up in congress, are the same that burn crosses

Ugh!
Killing in the name of

Now you do what they told ya
And now you do what they told ya
(Now you're under control)
And now you do what they told ya
(Now you're under control)
And now you do what they told ya
(Now you're under control)
And now you do what they told ya
(Now you're under control)
And now you do what they told ya (Now you're under control)

Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify those that died, by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Those who died are justified, for wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
You justify those that died, by wearing the badge, they're the chosen whites
Come on!

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

MOTHERFUCKER
Ugh







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Sent from nPTT on my iPhone SE (2 Gen)

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